This is how I felt living with depression for 25 years. I went to work and interacted with others daily, including family members, while hiding my true feelings and self. For those who met me, it seemed all was well in my world when in reality I was far from being ok.
Far from it!
I could make others laugh and feel their best and come across as I was a happy go lucky person but when behind closed doors I was a whole different person. No one could have ever guessed what I was dealing with.
It was part of me and second nature to mask my true feelings for fear of rejection, criticism, and judgments. After all these years and thinking back, I believe we tend to embrace it and keep it to ourselves because you didn’t know it was a mental condition so it was who you are and you didn’t want anyone else to know. I felt like it was something to be shameful of at the time.
My Story
The first time I had depression was right after my second pregnancy, post-partum. I didn’t understand or knew at the time that I was having post-partum depression. I just dealt with it the best I could as back in those days it wasn’t talked about in the open as it is today.
After the birth of my son and in the following years, I started to experience bouts of depression. The episodes would last for several weeks sometimes months and would disappear to reappear later on. There was a point that I tried medication but only took the medication for one month. I didn’t continue it because I didn’t like not having any feelings for life. Everything looked gray and I had no feelings or opinions about anything. I felt I was being robbed of my essence, of who I was.
Depression Throughout the Years
I continued to live with on/off episodes of depression ever since. Post-partum depression also kicked in again in my third pregnancy and the worst round of it was when my mom passed. She was my only emotional support and she was no longer there. I was shattered into a million pieces.
The first couple of years after her passing more than once I had questioned what was the point of being here, of living with so much pain and loss. Of thinking nothing was going to get better for me and that this is how life was going to be.
Tearing down the Poker Face
Despite the negative thoughts, I found comfort in my faith and reason in my convictions to fight back. Amid the darkness, I kept repeating this one prayer.
“In this dark hole, your light will shine on me. You will get me out of this dark hole.” Because its where I felt I was.
Depressive thoughts love to live in negativity.
So, I fought suicidal thoughts telling myself over and over the opposite and that I still needed to be here for my children.
These episodes of depression continued throughout the years. But, after the last one in 2015, I decided to make changes in my life to help me cope and try to have a normal sense of being. My preference was a more natural path to healing. And I’m glad I did.
Since, I’ve learned to become aware of when my body is being overtaken by sadness, feeling overwhelmed, or starting to think negatively. When life turns gray all of a sudden and the flowers have no colors. I turned inward to learn the warning signs and acknowledge my feelings. Instead of feeling the shame and sweeping it under the rug, I became aware of them and took action.
I became more mindful and started to support my body by making sure I continue to do several of the steps below consistently and added new ones as part of my daily life.
Tools I Used to Fight
- Exercise
- This is one of the things I made sure I never stop doing. Exercising releases endorphins, the feel-good hormones and when I don’t exercise, boy can I feel the difference. Sadness starts to creep in.
- Mind shift changes
- I started to shift my thinking to a positive one.
- Practice gratefulness
- I started to be grateful for things in my life every day, throughout the day.
- Affirmations
- I purchased the Louise-Hay affirmations card set and read them every day.
- I created my affirmations and had them with me all the time.
- Read
- I began to read books that I loved to read. Reading allowed me to escape from the reality I was living at the time and go in another. Helped me to not dwell in racing, negative thoughts.
- Kept busy
- During an episode and to not slip into a dark hole, I made sure I was busy doing something even if it was cleaning my drawers or closet. Something.
- Journaling
- I started to journal my journey since my mom passed. Putting your feelings down on paper is healing and a way of letting go. Journaling is a healing practice.
- Opened Up
- I finally opened up to a great mentor of mine and boy was I glad I did. His wisdom and advice gave me a complete outlook on life. Opening up helped snap me out of thinking this was how life was going to be for me and gave me more of a tool to fight, be optimistic and hopeful.
Positive Outlook
Today, I have less chance of falling into a black hole again because of all the changes I’ve made and sustain to this day. It’s not like it is not there it tries to poke through but I don’t let it. I continue to naturally fight it as much as I can.
Most importantly I don’t feel I live with a poker face anymore because I now have some control over it, I know now what to do about it, am not ashamed of it and am grateful every day for being here and living in my purpose. Life is beautiful and has so much to offer.
Motivation
We all have a purpose for being here and during the darkness, the light will shine on you. Don’t give up on yourself and hang on to what matters most. Try to not dwell in the feeling and find what helps you snap out of it at that very moment as I did. Jump into action by doing something and make sure to work on your mindset by doing something opposite of what it is thinking. This is key.
As always, I hope sharing part of my story and what I’ve done to combat depression can be of benefit to you. I hope it blesses your life in some way.
If you need help in any way please do not hesitate to reach out or contact MentalHelp.net Depression Hotline: https://www.mentalhelp.net/depression/hotline/ a valuable resource to help you in anything you need.
Much Blessings to you,
Eileen
